I know it’s been a really long time since my last post but isn’t that always the story? Most of the time I don’t post all the bs that is in my life because really…who wants to hear that? I don’t even like to think about it. Lol I’ve been extremely busy and completely stressed out. Life is pretty good right now for the most part and I’ve been given so many amazing opportunities recently. Sometimes I think they aren’t really happening to me. Its weird. I’m ever so grateful to be where I am today.
I’m feeling a little all over the place right now. I’m sure you’ll see that in this post. I think the book I just finished and the events over the past 2 weeks have shaken me to my core emotionally. I truly thought I was having a nervous breakdown and I wanted to be committed to the hospital. My wonderful strong, always loving husband picked me up, dusted me off and is slowly and carefully putting me back together. He is my strength always, especially when I have nothing left.
So the book I’ve been reading is called Tweak. It’s by Nic Sheff. I know the topic sounds odd to people but I had read his dad’s (David Sheff) book called Beautiful Boy. Beautiful boy is about David’s son’s drug addiction. So as you might figure out…Tweak is Nic’s side of the story. As some of you may know…I have a child that is a drug addict. It’s been a hard part of my life for many years now. I don’t talk about it too much to the general public but family and friends do know. I was previously married and had 2 children. I divorced because my ex-husband was also a drug addict. I didn’t realize at the time that it was that bad or maybe I didn’t want to realize or maybe it just grew over time. Who knows? My family is full of drug addiction and alcoholism; it’s a wonder that I’m neither of the above. My ex’s family is full of drug addiction also. So my poor boy didn’t stand a chance. I know some people don’t think it’s a gene thing, I didn’t either, but after many years of counseling we’ve come to realize that it does play a part, a big part.
My son started out smoking pot and stuff that some people would term normal and experimental. Maybe in someone else it would be, but not in him. That was in middle school. Obviously over the years, it escalated and now it’s just ugly. It’s progressed into heavy drugs , 2 overdoses and bad things. It makes my heart so very heavy. I want so badly to fix him and I’ve tried. But I know better, I know that I can’t fix him but damn it…he is my baby and I want to! I finished my book today and by the end of the book I was balling like a baby. It touched so many raw nerves for me. In Beautiful Boy I could totally relate to the dad. I know what he was feeling, what he felt and where he was coming from. To read it from the addicts side…intense. I had to put the book down a few times because it scared me, because I knew that was my son’s life and it was beyond my control and so very frightening. However, the book did give me some insight into what might go on in his head and it is helping me to better understand what tools there are to help him. He tells me he wants the help, he just doesn’t know how to do it. He too read Beautiful Boy and he just took my copy of Tweak. It kind of scares me for him to read it because I don’t know what it will trigger inside him . The details are pretty vivid and it may cause him to want to go use. I hope not. Its in God’s hands and there is not a thing I can do but pray and learn to heal myself. It’s a hard road and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I know this sounds crazy and is all over the map, but I sure feel better letting whatever it was out. I’ve been crying for days, maybe even weeks. He had 8 months clean and then he came home the day after I got home from Europe and has been on a wild ride since. Today he is clean.
One day at a time. I’ll take what I can get.